Dear you...

Hello there,
                Do you remember me? We used to be rather close before, but now, look at us. How pathetic, really. Did you really think I’d just run around happy without feeling anything about what’s happening between us? Did you think I can just go through with it simply?

                Well, fuck you. Really, please do me a favor and screw yourself to fucking hell. No, I didn’t mean that. I’m just exhausted, knackered because of everything. You know who I am and how my life goes, right? How could you let a minor setback break us so easily? Oh that’s right, it isn’t a minor setback… it’s something that influences you greatly just because. Well, you know what? I don’t care anymore. I quit. I fucking quit. I can’t take it anymore because I’m always the fucking reason. I don’t want to be the reason, okay? So, I’m leaving. I’m leaving just because. I’m leaving just because of your reasons, stupid reasons, fucking reasons of leaving the group when they needed you the most.

                I wish you knew how much it hurt hearing all that, from you of all people. I wish you knew how much I couldn’t even bring myself to school just because I knew you’d be there. I wish you knew how much I’ve tried hiding it from every-fucking-one of my friends. How I wish you fucking knew. I wish I’d never known you, if I were only to get hurt like this. I wish I hadn’t agreed to those silly promises we’d made, or joined the group at all.

                But most of all, I wish you got something from me. I wish you had fun with me no matter how screwed up we both were.

                So, here, you can go with them now, while I stay alone, like who I really am supposed to be, and just how I deserve it.

Yours, with all my sincerity and love,

Aly

Broken, shattered... but I'm still here.

Hello to those who actually take their time reading my useless rambling. :)
So anyway, it's pretty late and I've classes tomorrow, but screw classes, I can't bottle things up anymore...

Anyway, I've been listening to the ever-so-lovely Taylor Swift ♥

Dear John - Taylor Swift, Speak Now

No, it's not like I dated someone like John Mayer, but in all honesty, I feel so broken and such that I can't even explain why. Everything has been pretty much screwed up for me, for example...

My best friend won't talk to me anymore... 'cause her mum hates me. Of course, I wouldn't dare blame her mum, but hey... she was my best friend, and how many times has this happened? Best friends for quite a while, then all of a sudden, in a blink of an eye... they're gone.

What happened to our plans? What happened to all the things we wanted to do together? Our old promises of "when I'm older, I'm taking you with me, and we'll be running around like crazy without a care in the world!" or "I swear, we're going to make this world a better place!"

Dear god, I don't want to be dramatic or anything, but I just can't help it anymore. I want to give up so badly, but there are so many things that I want to know, so many people I wouldn't dare leave behind...

but I'm having a hard time already.

I've a friend, let's call her Mathea (haha. obvious, eh?) once upon a time, she was always brightening up my days since I was that suicidal girl back then... and one day, she told our little group of friends during a game of truth or dare and confessions... "I'm honestly losing all hope in the world... but you know what keeps me here? You guys. I'm your senior, your older sibling, and you can tell me anything, no matter how stupid, or useless it may be, and I'll be there to listen! I'll be there for you, no matter how less sleep I've had, or how busy I am with school... I'm always here. You guys are happy, then I'm happy. You guys smiling, well, fuck it, it's my job to make you smile!"
Babe, you know who you are, and if you read this, I know it wasn't meant directly for me, but you're one of the most wonderful people I've met. Ever. Since grade 6 and my whole "Kill me now" facade.

Speaking of facades...

Hi, I'm Aly, and I'm breaking these walls down to show you who I really am. I've been lying all this time, but mein gott, I'm showing who I really am, if you don't like who I am, you're free to break me down.

I may be known as "Chrissy Carriedo" or "that weird role-playing girl" or whatever other nickname you people have graced upon me, but no, I can't always hide.

I may be broken, I may be shattered, I may be hurt, I may break down, I may seem depressed... I may have thoughts of suicide...

but I'm still here, and I'm not leaving 'til God says I can. I'm not leaving 'til I've put a smile upon your faces. I'm not leaving 'til I've seen all that I can, and done all I want.

I'm still here, and will always be... when you need me.

One text, one call, one e-mail, one FB message or something, but yeah, by all means, if you want to talk, or share, or if you're sad, call me up, and I will do my very best to make you happy.

Okay, this is rather long. Cheerio!~

PS: Check out my aunt's blog - Invisiblegurlnextdoor. :)