I'm sorry.

Mood: Miserable, Scared.

Song: Don't Walk Away - Michael Joseph Scruse Jackson <3 (Invincible Album!)

What do you feel right now? Remember my post about "fear"? Well, I fin'lly told my mom about it, and she said I'd be checked sometime... I'm honestly scared. Very scared. There's all this trash and clutter in my brain, too. What if's, Why not's, maybe's, next time's and all the other crap that keeps me awake at night. I feel like shit every time I think about it. Let me tell you, I AM NOT READY to find out something big as the things I will if I go through that stupid procedure. If only I could just walk away, but I can't. If only I could call everyone I know up, even those who hate me, and just tell them I'm sorry and I love them, after that, I can run in the rain and hit my head on the ground, fall on concrete, whatever would bring physical pain. I don't want the spiritual and psychological pains anymore, I need the physical pain already.

I'm tired of countless tears that fall to the floor every time I keep these kinds of things to myself, but sometimes I just can't tell anyone. It's not an issue about trust at all, it's just that I'm always my own problem. I seriously don't like feeling this way, I don't like feeling sad, scared, depressed, but every time something good is going to happen, all these things start chasing me again. It feels like my negative emotions say "Oh, Aly's gonna be happy, better get her now, before she gets used to it!" then I'd feel like crap again. I don't like thinking and I don't want to think anymore, but i don't have an escape plan, and I know there are no ways of escape anymore. I don't know how to handle things like these anymore, but I keep closing myself out, and I don't even have the courage to tell a soul... Yup, that's right. I'm a coward. A useless piece of crap rolled in more crap. No offense to God though, I mean, I like being alive and all, I'm proud to say that He is my Father and all, but I really just don't know why I feel like this.

An escape route, yes, I have one, a stupid plan, actually. I can imagine myself jumping off a building, or putting a noose on me. I can imagine checking in a hotel and then getting a blade to slash wrists. I can imagine myself getting a bunch of sedatives so I can just close my eyes and sleep... forever. It's very wrong to have thoughts like these, I know. God, if you can hear me right now, please, take these feelings away. No, don't. Just... be here. I don't want to feel like I have some kind of porcelain heart that fell to the floor, ending up shattered into a million pieces. I know You can fix this and I need to cooperate, but I keep pulling myself down. I seriously do not want this, and I'm sorry, I've let you down again...

"I close my eyes
Just to try and see you smile one more time
But it’s been so long now all I do is cry
Can’t we find some love to take this away
‘Cause the pain gets stronger every day"

-- Don't Walk Away - Invincible(2002) - Michael Jackson